The person you trusted most in the world has broken your heart and betrayed you. You begin to doubt your own history, your ability to see the world as it is, you recognize that you hurt yourself by not seeing reality. Worse yet, your partner moves quickly into a new life without appearing to look back at all. You cry yourself to sleep, tear up at the sight of happy couples, examine every memory that you have looking for what you missed and are asking yourself “why?” You might look at your ex’s new love interest and wonder what they have that you don’t. You may lose your appetite, be unable to sleep and have trouble getting yourself to work. How do you stop ruminating about the past and begin to feel better? How do you get over your ex not loving you?

True self-care is not about indulgence. It’s not pampering yourself with a day at the spa or giving in to the urge to buy yourself a fancy coffee because you have a long day ahead of you. Maybe sometimes it IS indulgences, but if that is a habit rather than an occasional treat, it is likely that it is an escape or excuse rather than self-care.

Divorce is particularly painful for most people around Thanksgiving and Christmas. Most of us have at least a few happy memories about past holidays and these are reminders of what we have lost. These positive memories can make you doubt your decision to divorce and ignite that little voice inside that says, “maybe I could have tried x,y,z and it all would have worked out.” If you are a people pleaser, this continuous examination of your part of the past equation may make you weary and feel a little crazy.

If this is your first Christmas alone, you might be asking yourself: Does divorce in the holidays ever get easier? Will it feel like this every year? The holidays are a painful time following a divorce but you will soon discover that you are more resilient than you ever knew. Letting go of old traditions paves the way to create new traditions and you will eventually find joy again in the holidays. This is how I found mine.

Maybe you have been there… you believe you have failed at life, you don’t like your body, your clothes and feel that you have little self-expression in your own style. You feel frozen in time with little sense of how to move forward. The dissolution of your marriage may have happened slowly with a gradual loss of your true self and your identity to please your spouse. Your self-esteem has never been lower. Reminds me of the song by Winona Judd, “Rockbottom is just a place to turn around.” Now that you are single, it’s time to get back your mojo. And build a life that excites you to get up to everyday. How do you do that? Read on, McDuff!