Coping With Divorce and Even Finding Joy
I realized how little joy (and happiness) I had in my life during the process of my divorce. I’d grown so accustomed to the lack of joy over the past decade that I didn’t realize it was missing. My life had been full of mothering, work, running a household, and volunteering at the school. I couldn’t even remember what I liked to do with free time. But divorce is a tough transition full of stress, emotions, fear and so much change. One of the ways that I coped during my divorce was by finding something daily that brought me joy.
What are some things that bring you joy? Stop right now and jot down a few things.
Here’s my list:
My golden doodle, Ruby.
A good sunrise.
Fresh flowers.
Live music.
Cooking a meal to share with people I love.
The feeling of sun on my skin.
At first this exercise was hard. I couldn’t identify much. But with practice, I found all kinds of ways to have moments of joy and consequently, ways to soothe my roller coaster of emotions. As simple as driving a new route to work that gave me the best sunrise, treating myself to a special coffee or tea, buying myself flowers, stopping at an estate sale to browse, and sitting in a cozy chair and reading poetry. After each of these moments, I encourage you to really savor that feeling in your mind and body and soak it in. You are healing your brain.
Why find joy during a divorce?
Coping with a divorce is hard stuff. It’s likely that if you are in the middle of a divorce, your brain is probably producing more cortisol, a stress hormone. Stress can cause heart problems, diabetes, anxiety, depression and many other physical illnesses. More joy in your life translates to more feel-good neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters affect your physical and mental health in multiple ways and help to manage illness.
What’s the difference between happiness and joy for you? I define happiness as a pleasurable emotion that results from an experience. Joy, I think, is a state of mind that can exist even in times of pain or uncertainty. We can cultivate feelings of joy independent of circumstances. This means that even if you are heartbroken, angry because of how your soon to be ex is behaving or worried about your future finances or the custody of your child you can still find moments of joy.
How can you increase your joy?
Exercise regularly-again it’s about neurotransmitters. Ideally, get your heart rate up for 30 minutes a day. The activity might vary based on your individual fitness level. If you have not been exercising much, any amount is an improvement, just start with what feels manageable. Here is a link for a free yoga session that is focused on creating joy.
Volunteer. It helps you to focus on others rather than yourself. By measuring hormones and brain activity, researchers have shown that being helpful to others delivers immense pleasure. My sanctuary chimps make me smile every Monday. Even when I’m handling urine-soaked blankets. Go figure.
Connect with spirituality. Joining with something/someone larger than ourselves helps us feel gratitude, compassion and peace. Meditation is another tool that can help. Being in nature is another way that people connect with the divine. Regardless of your religious beliefs, spirituality is something accessible to you.
Try something new. New experiences lead to healthier brain pathways and increased feel good neurotransmitters. Peruse the online forums for activities in your region, join a social networking group that posts activities, or make a list of things you have wanted to try or haven’t given the time to experiment with. Make a goal to try something new every week.
Focus on the good things in life. Depression is about negative thoughts. If you want to feel better, have fewer negative thoughts. Obviously if you are struggling with clinical depression, this is simplistic and may require professional health. But if you are feeling down because of the divorce and find yourself ruminating about things that were said or done or in the future that are making you miserable, limit these thoughts to a shorter time each day and instead begin to find the things that make you happy. Notice the first sip of your coffee how pleasureable the warmth is, appreciate that the lights come on when you flip the switch, be grateful for a beautiful tree while you are stuck in traffic. There are good things happening all around us even in the midst of a tough time.
Avoid people and things that are negative. Did you ever notice how interacting with some people lifts your mood and others bring you down? Avoid those people that make you feel bad about yourself or remind you of unpleasant memories. Surround yourself with people that bring out your humor, make you feel happier and are easy to talk to. Join a divorce support group if you want encouragement.
Practice finding joy daily. Make a list of things that feel nurturing and bring you a sense of contentedness. Challenge yourself to try one a day. If you are struggling to find ideas, check out NPR’s Joy Generator.
Finding joy is something that will bring you relief and pleasure, and we all deserve both when we are struggling. Make your own well being a focus of your attention. You got this.
Holly Herzog is a therapist, coach and writer who has been a practicing licensed professional in the US for over 30 years. She specializes in all issues that are relationship oriented, especially the relationship with yourself. After the ending of a decades long relationship, she found herself in need of the tools and a community that she now provides for other women with her newest venture, Grace Untethered. She offers support to women in midlife going through a divorce with encouragement to grow with integrity, grace and compassion. If you want more coaching around managing your emotions with your divorce, check out her e-course. It includes many of the basic tools you learn in coaching with a professional and you can do it at your own pace for a fraction of the cost of coaching.
