Divorce Anxiety and Panic Attacks: 5 Things You Can Do

Maybe you landed on this page because divorce anxiety and panic attacks is one of the most commonly searched for phrases according to google.  Divorce ranks in one of the top 5 life stressors and the divorce rate is at almost 50% in the US. As a relationship therapist and divorce coach, talking about divorce anxiety happens almost daily in my office. The good news is that you don’t have to suffer, there are things you can do to feel better quickly. This blog will address the symptoms and possible solutions for this type of anxiety.

What are the symptoms of divorce anxiety?

·       Feeling restless or on edge

·       Being easily fatigued

·       Issues with concentration

·       Difficulty controlling thoughts of worry

·       Increased heart rate and sweating

·       Being irritable

·       Having physical body pain

·       Sleeping too little or too much

·       Having a feeling of impending doom

·       And the list goes on…

Panic attacks can also occur without warning.  One minute you are walking the dog or doing a chore, the next you feel your heart racing and you can’t catch your breath.  You may think you are having a heart attack.  These can also wake you from a dead sleep. 

I’ve only had one panic attack (fortunately for me) and it was during my divorce.  As a therapist, I knew exactly what was happening to me as I have seen it with many clients over the years, but it still scared the crap out of me.  I couldn’t catch my breath; my heart was pounding, and I felt a sense of doom. My anxiety was never more pronounced than during that time period, as well.  Divorce is a serious stressor.

“I lied and said I was busy.
I was busy;
but not in a way most people understand.

I was busy taking deeper breaths.
I was busy silencing irrational thoughts.
I was busy calming a racing heart.
I was busy telling myself I am okay.

Sometimes, this is my busy -
and I will not apologize for it.”
― Brittin Oakman

What are some coping strategies for anxiety?

1.   Work out to the point of sweating for a minimum of 30 minutes. This helps your body release the stored stress hormones. You can also manage stress with meditation, journaling, healthy eating habits and by limiting caffeine intake.  As tempting as it may be to want to check out with a glass of wine, alcohol contributes to sleep disturbances and leads to other issues that can cause bigger problems. These may sound very basic, but these skills are the building blocks for all of the rest of your health. Click here for a free pdf about calming your nervous system.

2.   Allow yourself the time needed to mourn the loss of your marriage.  As John Gray says, “what you feel, you can heal.”  The part of your brain that resolves trauma requires compassion in order to heal.  Compassion for yourself may sound like “of course you hurt.  You invested a lot in this person and your life together and now everything is in upheaval. This isn’t what you signed up for or thought you would get.” Even if you want the divorce, you still have pain.  If you are struggling with this, work with a therapist or coach, or check out an online e-course that can teach you skills to move through this time.

3.   Develop a support team of professionals that will provide guidance and peace of mind.  Hire a good attorney or mediator to help you make the financial decisions that are best for your future.  Get a good therapist or divorce coach to help unravel your emotional reaction and to listen to all of the complaints about your ex and the divorce process.  Hire a CDFA (certified divorce financial analyst) to help unravel the finances. Having confidence that other people are advising you on the best course of action takes a load of worry off your mind, which is already struggling due to the stress. Identify a few friends that you can reach out to for companionship and distraction, or to help with daily challenges like getting the kids from sports while you are at work.  Lean on others when you feel exhausted and weak.

4.   Try new things and expand your social network.  New activities not only introduce you to people, they also help you break out of patterns that remind you of the past. As an added bonus, they give your brain a boost of endorphins that is likely much needed right now.  Maybe learning to play the guitar sounds fun?  How about taking up paddle boarding or hiking with a Meetup group?  Join a chess club?  Take a cooking class or learn to paint?  The world is your oyster.  When I got divorced, I made several new friends who were also divorced and available to do things socially when I didn’t have my son.  Not only did I have someone to hang out with, but I also had people that understood what I was going through. It was lifesaving.

5.   Lastly, give it time.  It takes months or even years to get through the divorce process, to establish new routines and a new life.  It takes time to mourn and to get past the anger, sadness or self-pity.  Be patient with yourself.  The latest research shows that compassion is the key to healing. If you find yourself struggling to move on, hire a therapist and get some help.

 With a divorce rate around 50% in the US and a significant increase in the number of adults over the age of 50 who are divorcing (aka gray divorce) mental health issues are common.  With those numbers, know that you are not alone even if it feels like it when you look around.  Anxiety, panic attacks, and depression left untreated can ruin your quality of life and your physical health.  Get yourself some support and get control of your emotional life and mental health. It may just be lifesaving.

Holly Herzog is a therapist, coach and writer who has been a practicing licensed professional in the US for over 30 years.  She specializes in all issues that are relationship oriented, especially the relationship with yourself.  After the ending of a decades long relationship, she found herself in need of the tools and a community that she now provides for other women with her newest venture, Grace Untethered. She offers support to women in midlife going through a divorce with encouragement to grow with integrity, grace and compassion. 

 If you want more coaching around managing your emotions with your divorce, check out her e-course.  It includes many of the basic tools you learn in coaching with a professional and you can do it at your own pace for a fraction of the cost.