Signs Of Victim Mentality During Divorce: How To Move On
How you frame your divorce makes a difference in your recovery. If you label yourself as a victim, you lose all power to change and give ownership of your future to someone else.
Victims blame someone else for their lives and blame absolves their own part in their story. That lack of responsibility translates into a lack of change. Staying in the victim stance does not allow you to heal.
You might have been victimized. Your ex may have blown your savings on gambling, may have hired prostitutes and had a secret double life. They might have had a drug or alcohol problem or been physically or verbally abusive. They might have been lazy, unemployed or never home to help with the kids. You might want the world to know how awful they are.
The fact is, you decided to marry this person and that makes you culpable. No one thinks they are marrying a jerk. They only become a narcissistic or toxic partner in your mind after you have decided you have had enough abuse and begin to see the light or they leave you in a puddle of tears during your anniversary celebration. At some point you became aware of the unhealthy dynamics in your relationship and either made excuses for the other person or you decided to give them another chance. You may have eventually decided to end the marriage. Even if it is 98% someone else’s behavior that caused this, that 2% is yours. Take responsibility for your decision and clean up your side of the street.
Unless they are one of the lucky few whose parents “consciously uncouple.” the victims of divorce are children.
They don’t get a choice in how their parent’s marriage turns out. They often lose financial stability, their childhood homes, their intact family holiday celebrations. They divide their time between their parents homes, even when they become adults, and feel the tension between their parents and the in-laws at every celebratory event.
Their parents anger can lead to parental alienation. When one parent calls the other an “idiot” in front of their kids, they are ignoring that children are equally part of that adult. And young children especially don’t know that their identities are different than their parents. These kids are victims.
So you say you don’t want to pay alimony to your stay at home ex-wife? Why did you agree to her staying home to raise the kids all of those years ago? When it benefitted you to have childcare, clean clothes and dinner on the table every night, did you complain? If you implored her to earn an income and she wouldn’t, why did you continue to live in that way? You think she should be able to get a job and earn reasonable wages with no work experience? Your lifestyle should be able to continue and she should make her own way?
You think your ex is hiding money from you and was dishonest during the divorce? Why were you in the dark about your finances? Did you agree to turning a blind eye to the bills or not question them about their lying on the taxes? How did you express your anger during your marriage? Did you address your feelings?
You married a narcissist and feel he emotionally and verbally abused you? Did that happen over a period of years? What happened to your anger the first time he gaslit you? How about the second time? How many times did you make excuses for their behavior? What have you learned about what you need to do to protect yourself from attracting more like this?
Again, you may have been victimized, AND you were part of the problem. Give yourself a few days to wallow in your victim mentality and then resolve to let it go.
Until you can figure out how your behavior contributed to your divorce, I don’t think you should hire a lawyer. You should hire a therapist or a coach.
If you hire a lawyer when you are angry or hurt and happen to pick one that is unscrupulous, you will spend a fortune because they will exploit your fears and capitalize on your anger. They will convince you to hold out for more money in a settlement, to file a false domestic restraining order, or to stop supporting your stay at home spouse. They will sound like they are protecting you, but in reality they are creating drama for more billable hours. Paying legal fees takes money out of both parties’ pockets and impacts future lifestyles.
Instead, you should be figuring out what you need to learn about yourself and your relationship style. You have big decisions to make and need a level head, one that is getting enough sleep and is able to focus. You should be working on your boundaries, shoring up your self-confidence and reframing this divorce as a new phase of life rather than as an end. You should be dreaming about all of the possible outcomes for your future and be getting healthier and happier.
Get your emotional health more under control and then hire a lawyer. Or even better, maybe you will be less angry and able to work with a mediator or collaborative lawyer and have your own “conscious uncoupling.” Not every relationship has two parties that are capable of this kind of self-awareness, I get that. But if you can reach that point, it is much better for all parties involved. Except maybe the lawyer’s pocketbook.
Relationships Come And Go
Most of our relationships are short term. Friendships that start with kids in the same dance class and end at graduation, a neighbor you play bunco with once a month, or a co-worker that moves on after a few years and you never talk to again. This is natural. At different times in our lives, we need different things from our relationships.
A marriage is not that different.
Unless you and your spouse are adept at growing together and you are particularly determined to make it all work, you may find yourself living with someone you don’t recognize. After decades together, why not celebrate the growth and see this as the end of an era? Celebrate the success of children who are happy or healthy, making financial progress, your own personal growth or recognition?
Let’s normalize that relationships have seasons and begin to have more honest conversations with our partners about what season we are in. As a therapist and coach, I see people every day that are stuck in their victim stance and as a result are angry, bitter and vindictive. I know clients that years later are still stuck in this storyline, talking about their ex and blaming them for all of their life failures. That’s a lot of power to give to another human being.
A divorce is not failure. A divorce is a change of relationship status.
How Do I Move On After Divorce?
Acknowledge and address your anger and forgive yourself and others. Get a therapist or coach if you feel stuck here. Open a journal and write out all of the things that you are angry about. As you read back through the notes, give yourself compassion for being in that place of being hurt and victimized. Then begin looking for the things you contributed to keep yourself in that space and have compassion for that, as well. Most of the time we learn these things as a coping skill during childhood. For example, my people pleasing was an attempt to earn my father’s attention and love. I continued to do it until I recognized I allowed people to walk on me. I worked with a therapist to learn to give myself the love I need rather than look for it outside of myself. Now the only relationships I have are with people that treat me with respect.
Change the way you think. Your thoughts influence your brain chemistry and your feelings. Drop words like “should”, “fair”, “right” and “wrong.” These words suggest expectations that you set and when people don’t meet them you feel victimized. Nobody owes you anything. Release those expectations and you will be happier. Try these mantras: I am not a victim. I will not play the martyr. I make my life decisions and I will shape my future.
You also need to look at your own self talk and work to eliminate self-destructive thoughts. Make sure that the voice that counters these internal dialogues is compassionate and not critical. If you don’t know how to do this, hire a therapist. My divorce e-course teaches this and is easily accessible right now.
Find things that bring you joy and do them regularly. Notice the things in your life that make you feel good--like taking a Zumba class, walking in nature, playing with your dog or children, laughing with a good friend. These activities not only increase your feel good hormones, they also keep you from focusing on the things that make you feel unhappy.
Take care of your emotional and physical health. Improve your sleep, get regular exercise and eat healthily. All of these things contribute to your overall health and happiness and help to reduce stress and the negative emotions related to divorce.
Work on your communication and relationship skills. Healthy interactions involve a set of skills that we must learn. Many of us did not grow up in families that taught us how to regulate our emotions or share anger in a healthy manner, how to set boundaries that protect us from others’ emotions or behaviors, or how to advocate for our own needs. Taking the time to learn these skills will affect all of your future relationships. These things are also covered in my e-course Stagger, Stumble and Stand.
Divorce has taught me that I am not defined by my relationships to others. Healthy relationships can add to my life satisfaction, but another person will never be the source of my happiness. I am 100% responsible for the life I create, the life I allow and the life I sabotage.
How about you?
If you are like me after my divorce, you probably have some work to do before you are going to have a healthy romantic connection.. Learn about your anger. Pay attention to the ways you sabotage yourself. When you understand what you contributed to your marriage that needs to change, make the effort to make those changes so you don’t repeat your past. Clean up your side of the street.
And for Pete’s sake, stop playing the victim.
Holly Herzog is a therapist, coach and writer who has been a practicing licensed professional in the US for over 30 years. She specializes in all issues that are relationship oriented, especially the relationship with yourself. After the ending of a decades long relationship, she found herself in need of the tools and a community that she now provides for other women with her newest venture, Grace Untethered. She offers support to women in midlife going through a divorce with encouragement to grow with integrity, grace and compassion.
Her e-course, Stagger, Stumble and Stand is chock-full of tips about how to heal your heart after a break up. It comes with hours of entertaining video instruction, pdfs, and meditations. If you are interested in individual or group coaching, contact her. She has a new women’s divorce coaching groups starting soon. Maybe focus on healing your childhood issues and beginning to date? You don’t need to do this alone.
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