The person you trusted most in the world has broken your heart and betrayed you. You begin to doubt your own history, your ability to see the world as it is, you recognize that you hurt yourself by not seeing reality. Worse yet, your partner moves quickly into a new life without appearing to look back at all. You cry yourself to sleep, tear up at the sight of happy couples, examine every memory that you have looking for what you missed and are asking yourself “why?” You might look at your ex’s new love interest and wonder what they have that you don’t. You may lose your appetite, be unable to sleep and have trouble getting yourself to work. How do you stop ruminating about the past and begin to feel better? How do you get over your ex not loving you?

True self-care is not about indulgence. It’s not pampering yourself with a day at the spa or giving in to the urge to buy yourself a fancy coffee because you have a long day ahead of you. Maybe sometimes it IS indulgences, but if that is a habit rather than an occasional treat, it is likely that it is an escape or excuse rather than self-care.

Divorce is particularly painful for most people around Thanksgiving and Christmas. Most of us have at least a few happy memories about past holidays and these are reminders of what we have lost. These positive memories can make you doubt your decision to divorce and ignite that little voice inside that says, “maybe I could have tried x,y,z and it all would have worked out.” If you are a people pleaser, this continuous examination of your part of the past equation may make you weary and feel a little crazy.

Guilt can be defined as the negative feelings that arise because of behavior or the perception that a behavior is wrong. It’s an unpleasant emotion that keeps our morals in check. It is particularly painful in intimate relationships as we are witness to the impact of our behaviors on those we care about. Personally, as a couples therapist I felt guilty that I missed the warning signs of my own relationship’s demise. I also felt guilt about the impact of divorce on my children, who had their own journey with the pain. What I found by surveying divorced men and women is that we often feel guilty about things over which we have no control

Like divorce isn’t hard enough, let’s throw in a pandemic? Seriously? My nervous system is already fried, thank you very much. My divorced self-esteem is circling the drain and still, my ex is pulling out all of their traditional “greatest hits” of bad behavior. The anxiety feels relentless.

Anxiety and divorce, dating after divorce, covid and divorce?

I married my first date. My second first date was at 47, after my decades long marriage ended abruptly.

Dating in your 40s after divorce is not for the faint of heart. I figured a few things out along the way that might be helpful.

“Rocked to the core- that's the phrase which comes to mind when describing my divorce. What I thought I had and how the future was going to look was blown to hell and replaced by sadness, a sadness of depths which I had never known. What I COULD NOT believe at the time, but it really came true, is that living a happy life after divorce is within reach.

We have no good pattern either for being divorced or for dealing with divorced women. The end of a marriage, whether by divorce or by death, is an event to mourn, but the community is not sufficiently sensitive to the divorced woman's need for a mourning ritual and for grief support.

The first and most important tool to surviving and thriving through a divorce is to practice radical compassion. Nobody plans on getting divorced when they marry. As humans, we intuitively internalize the disappointment when divorcing. The very experience threatens our identities which activates our fight and flight response. That old reptilian brain will go to any length to protect us, hijacking our higher self. That means, if our fight and flight response run wild, we wind up saying and doing things, which we will regret. Practicing self-compassion when I wanted to act out against myself saved me. Learn about how to notice and regulate those feelings. Practice pumping the brakes of that wild puppy part of your brain. If you do not have the tools, get thee to a therapist and a class! I went to workshops almost every other weekend.

Three tips for dating after divorce in midlife