Divorce Guilt About Leaving or Being Left?
Divorce guilt? Does the sun set in the west? Do fish swim? Of course we feel guilt about divorce. By the time someone files for divorce, there is a long history of damage done. People have divorce guilt about leaving. People feel guilty for staying. Who should feel guilty? The one filing? The one who hasn’t made changes?
Guilt can be defined as the negative feelings that arise because of behavior or the perception that a behavior is wrong. It’s an unpleasant emotion that keeps our morals in check. It is particularly painful in intimate relationships as we are witness to the impact of our behaviors on those we care about. Personally, as a couples therapist I felt guilty that I missed the warning signs of my own relationship’s demise. I also felt guilt about the impact of divorce on my children, who had their own journey with the pain. What I found by surveying divorced men and women is that we often feel guilty about things over which we have no control.
Here are some legitimate reasons to feel guilty:
1. Badmouthing the ex or being rude in front of your children
2. Making things difficult for the ex with regards to money or time with kids
3. Bringing home multiple overnight guests in front of the kids
4. Taking your guilt out on your ex by shifting blame
5. Having an affair
6. Addiction
7. Physical or emotional abuse
8. Creating debt or refusing to work to carry your part of the financial burden
9. No sexual intimacy
10. Being selfish and wanting to leave just to live your own life
We all make mistakes and need to address them. If one of these fits you, change your behavior and make amends to the people you have hurt. Wallowing in your guilt will not help matters. Forgive yourself and move on. If you aren’t sure how to do this, find yourself a therapist.
Whether you initiated the divorce or not, you likely have struggled with guilt. People feel guilty even after they feel they have exhausted every possibility to repair the marriage. If we want to be divorced, why are we left feeling guilty?
So often we feel guilt about how our decisions affect other people.
“I started feeling guilty when he cheated the first time (that I know of) and I wanted to leave him then. I could only think about the effects on the children so I stayed. I feel guilty looking back, wondering if I really did them a disservice. I would say that guilty feelings have been a part of my life since then. Do it? Don’t do it? Better for the kids now? Better later? Noticing as I write this that I didn’t really take into account the effect on me. Only guilt over inflicting pain on others.” She felt guilty for wanting to leave when he had an affair??? This same woman felt guilt about abandoning her husband because she knew that he had been left as a child. That’s a heavy burden.
Sometimes the divorce seems to come out of the blue with a model family. One woman who initiated divorce after a 25+ year marriage says “I feel guilty because I was so good at sweeping things under the rug to keep the peace with him that my kids were shocked and had no idea I was unhappy. I did a disservice to them by not having more boundaries and speaking up. My child now feels like their “life was a lie.” When she left the marriage, her adult children were angry with her.
One man said “I went to individual counseling to figure out whether or not I wanted to stay in the marriage. Both my ex and my kids begged for me to stay. That was hard. Part of the guilt I felt six months into the separation was for not doing more before the split.” This is not an unusual story. By the time of a separation, damage may be so severe that the relationship cannot be repaired. The one that finally leaves carries the guilt of pulling the plug and the impact of that on the people they care about.
Another says “I felt guilty because I couldn’t make him happy in 15 years.” This is a common theme. Even people that are left feel guilt over their lack of ability to save the marriage. This woman was married to a man who was selfish, angry much of the time and happy to take advantage of her guilt by taking more than his share of the financial assets.
These people are often the ones that have tried everything they know to do. Here’s one list of things tried:
· Countless books – especially Jennifer Weiner and The Divorce Remedy, but so many others· Counseling – couples and individual –probably at least 6 different times during our marriage· Save Your Marriage weekend · Initiated dates· Tried to spend time together without kids· Started a business venture to spend more time together· Supported his hobbies for more time together· Talking with other couples that stayed together after betrayals/challenges· Having his parents talk with him· Having my parents talk with him· Talking with my friends about strategies to improve our marriage· Journaling· Writing letters to him· Ignored my own needs for intimacy, thinking I was accommodating his physical/mental challenges My question after reading this is, what did this guy do to fix things on his side? This is some serious effort on her part! Despite the efforts, she still felt guilty.
Another common reason for guilt is choosing personal happiness over others’ for the first time.
“I put my own needs second throughout the entirety of my marriage.” When the divorce is finally the last option, these individuals feel guilty for making themselves happy. Some people feel guilty for enjoying their time away from their children. They feel guilty that they are happier or are relieved to be divorced. When married we don’t feel the need to attend every child’s activities because our partners pick up the slack but when we divorce we feel guilty about missing these.
We may feel bad about our child’s suffering or saying no to their requests. We know that our decision to end the marriage will impact our children. Often it throws them into a period of depression, feeling uncertain about their future with each of their parents and what the family will look like. But maybe more challenging to address is that the depression can be related to them questioning their own version of history. Were we really the family I thought we were? I didn’t see my parents fighting, was it really that bad? If my mom/dad is such a bad person to be married to, why didn’t they look unhappy?
“I personally covered up a lot of what was wrong with our family life before my divorce. I took on more than my fair share of the parenting tasks leaving my ex to focus on work and his own interests. I walked on eggshells when I knew a topic was sensitive and likely to cause conflict and shielded the kids from that information. We didn’t fight much, but when we did it was behind closed doors and late at night and I’m sure my kids were unaware of the conflict. I did what I thought was right, but it didn’t give my kids a very accurate picture of married life or how to deal with bad behavior. So much of my guilt about my divorce was wondering if I had done enough and if I had harmed my kids by the way I handled things while I was married.”
We feel guilty about disappointing ourselves, our families and God with a divorce. We look back and see that there were red flags about this relationship prior to marriage that we ignored and then we feel guilty that we stayed too long to try to make it work. We feel guilty that we weren’t enough for our partners. We also feel guilty about being excited about the possibility of finding new love. Come to think of it, there are so many reasons for divorce guilt that it seems impossible to list them all.
Divorce guilt is not for sissies. It will hunt you down in the night, lob spears at your heart during business hours and leave you bleeding and limp at the feet of the people you want desperately to protect. It’s ruthless. With possibilities for feelings of guilt nearly endless with divorce, the key is forgiving yourself and moving forward so you can build a new life.
So, what can we do about this guilt?
1. Process your guilt by feeling it. Write about it, talk to friends or a therapist, accept that it is a temporary stage. You can’t get around it except by going through it.
2. Have compassion for the people that are hurting as a result of your choices but do not waiver in your decisions. This will only cause more confusion and hurt.
3. Shield your kids from as much of the effects as you can. Don’t discuss the divorce, your co-parent, or other topics that will upset the kids in front of them. Keep your kids and their best interests at the heart of your decision making. If your ex is a trigger for you, arrange for a neutral drop off and minimize your interaction.
4. Get healthy. Make your self care a priority. Get yourself a therapist, take a divorce class, seek out a coach, trainer, gym membership, and whatever else you need to make your life move in the right direction. It has taken a lot of courage to get yourself to this position, now make the most of it.
5. Get shit done. Call a lawyer or mediator, divide assets, file the divorce papers, move forward. If you can do this with an amicable relationship, this is easiest for everyone. The longer the relationship is in limbo, the harder it is for everyone to transition.
Letting go isn’t about forgetting; it’s about learning and moving on. It’s making a choice to be strengthened by your past…not strangled by it.
Though guilt may be inevitable, it doesn’t have to be endless. Do yourself (and those who love you) a favor and release your guilt. You did the best you knew how to do at the time. If you made mistakes, hopefully you learned from them and will not repeat them. Do the healing work. Let it go.
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If you are struggling with managing these emotions of guilt or any of the stages of divorce, take a look at our divorce support e-course, Stagger Stumble and Stand. Included in your video classes are pdfs, meditations, and journaling practices. Less expensive than individual coaching or therapy and right on topic for what you need at this stage of your recovery.
