Gray divorce is a term for couples who split after the age of 50 and is the fastest growing age demographic for divorce, doubling since 1990. First named as a reference to couples married more than 40 years and implying a change in hair color; it’s a cruel world that partnerships fall apart just as our bodies do!

One would think that when people have been married a long time they have figured out how to make things go smoothly. Not true. People divorce after decades together for several reasons. Often, they have grown apart during the busy stages of building careers and families. When the kids leave, they take stock of the relationship and look at a possibility of living another 30 years with the person with whom they are unhappy, or at least not enjoying. They have more free time with retirement and potential changes in lifestyle that may be right around the corner that don’t match. There may be infidelity or addiction issues that have been bubbling for years. And lastly, divorce is less a stigma than it was in previous decades.

What should people divorcing after 50 expect?

1. Financial impact of divorce

If you are a woman, odds are divorce will be more financially devastating for you. Twenty percent of women fall into poverty after divorce. Women have often tailored their career choices to support their growing family needs while their partners have had a steady rise. Women rarely recover their earning potential. For all people, dividing a nest egg in half and going your own way is a painful prospect when you have worked hard for decades to build it.

One of the most important experts to hire in this age bracket is a financial advisor that can help you look at tax implications, plan for budget changes, invest wisely and prepare for retirement. You will adjust to the financial changes, expect there to be some.

2. Loneliness after divorce

You will feel lonely for a bit. You are used to having a built-in sidekick and even if you don’t spend much time together, it takes time to get used to being solo. Family and friends will likely be surprised by this change and will pull away as they don’t know what to say to you or how to navigate the challenges of having a relationship with both you and your ex. Friends may choose sides or may not know how to maintain relationships with single people in the couples’ world. Extended families may not know how to maintain connection and loyalty to both of you or may struggle with how to stay connected if there is animosity between you and your spouse. Kids must figure out how to be in relationship with each parent and may be angry about the impact of the split on their own path.

The good news is that people who invest in finding new friendships and love interests after divorce are generally more satisfied according to a 2015 study by the University of North Carolina.

Women are more likely to increase their contact with their children in the years following divorce, as they often have more relationship skills to talk through this period with their kids than males do. Many men walk away from their existing relationships and start fresh. If you want to find new relationships try new hobbies, join meetup groups, get active in faith communities, reach out to those you know that have divorced and have walked this path before. Build a support network and community and you will feel less lonely.

3. Healing after divorce takes time and effort

Getting yourself healthy may take some time. Self-care is very important during this phase. Grief, depression and anxiety are common with gray divorce. Along with those mental health challenges come a load of physical issues like insomnia, lack of concentration, being moody and tearful, and feeling on top of the world one day and crashing into despair the next. Learning to take care of your body better by eating healthy, exercising and improving your sleep patterns will help you with your recovery. It increases your self-compassion and will help you with forgiveness. Both for yourself and for your ex. If you need some additional support, hire a coach or a therapist, take a divorce support e-course, find a divorce support group. You don’t have to do this alone.

4. Dating after divorce is challenging

Before you start dating, ask yourself what a partner would contribute to your overall happiness. Make it your goal to get used to single life, to enjoy your freedom of making your own decisions with money, time, and space. People rush to get into a new relationship because they are afraid to be alone or want to be distracted from the pain of a breakup. The divorce rate is even higher for 2nd and 3rd marriages, in part because people do not unpack their baggage between trips to the alter. If you want to have healthy relationships or feel less stuck about the past, take the time to let yourself feel your sadness and anger. Work with a counselor or coach, join a support group, figure out what you contributed to the dissolution of your last relationship. I promise you that you have pieces to fix, especially if you were in an abusive relationship or were blindsided by your partner’s behaviors.

Finding a healthy partner over the age of 50 is hard. There are a lot of scammers, married people and hurt individuals on the rebound. You have to separate the wheat from the chaff, and it will take some time. You may be anxious about your aging body and finding someone that will think you are attractive. You likely have not had sex with someone other than your ex in decades. It’s all anxiety producing, even if you want it. This is why being healthy first is so important. You need to know who you are and believe that you are worthy of love. If you are able to be clear about what you are looking for, go into it with an attitude of having fun meeting people and learning about what is out there versus finding your soul mate, you will be less frustrated with the dating game.

One tip for finding a healthy partnership is to make a list of must-haves prior to dating. This will help you weed out any large conflicts with your value system prior to getting attached to someone. For example, on my must have list was that my partner would have long term relationships that are healthy, they would demonstrate kindness and compassion for others (look at how they treat the wait staff at a restaurant), they would have children that they prioritize time with, they could explain what they contributed to the demise of their previous relationships, they would be open to travel and adventure, and they would be financially independent and healthy. These were absolute non-negotiables for me. When I had communication on the dating apps, these were the things I was asking about and interested in learning. I eliminated the possibility of first dates with anyone that didn’t have connections with their families, children of their own, and talked trash about their ex. (I know some may say those requirements are unfair to people that have toxic families or didn’t have the chance to have kids of their own, but I feel both of those things contribute to the bags we have packed and bring into a relationship and I wasn’t willing to do the work to educate another adult about how to have a healthy connection. ) You get clear on your list before you even begin talking. And don’t go out on multiple dates with someone that you have determined is not a good match. It will keep you from getting too attached.

5. Amicable divorces are hard work

The divorce may make your relationship with your soon to be ex contentious. The life you built together must be divided. There is a lot at stake-money, resources, relationships. If you are fortunate enough to still have some friendship left for one another, you will fare better. Mediation is a goal as it will protect your assets and generally be less divisive. But not every couple can do this. If you are dealing with a lot of resentment, blame and stubbornness you may need a lawyer to advocate for you.

The divorce can be amicable if each person takes responsibility for their part of the divorce and is working to be fair. One way to make it easier to deal with your ex moving forward is to always take the high road and resist any urge to retaliate even if they do hurtful things. Moving on with integrity creates fewer hard feelings. You may want to protect your feelings by unfollowing them on social media, so you don’t see things that upset you. You also may need some space from interacting with them for a while until your emotional swings settle down. Limit your engagements with your ex, make agreements about how to handle attendance at joint events and try to keep in mind that you once loved this person and wanted what was best for them. You might work with a couples therapist that specializes in conscious uncoupling.

6. Your future may change drastically after divorce

What you thought would be happening for you in the next phase of your life is POOF, gone with the signature on the divorce decree. You will have a different relationship with your ex and if you are lucky enough to remain friends this will make your life easier as you attend family events and celebrate your children’s families. Your finances may be drastically changed. You may have options open that you never considered because of things your partnership dictated, like living in certain geographic areas for work or family.

Spend some time thinking about what you want your future to look like. Talk with people who have had major life shifts. Try new activities, explore new geographic areas, open your mind to things you might have been closed to in the past. Often a change in zipcode helps with healing as you are free to adopt a new lifestyle and not have to explain yourself to old friends. One client recently told me that her plan is to find a few girlfriends who also are single and buy a house together and become like The Golden Girls. Why not?

For me, after I got through the grief and anger of my divorce, I enjoyed the feeling of having my future horizons open up. The path I thought I would be on until retirement was very different than my current reality. I scaled way back on my housing and entertainment expenses and instead focused on spending my money on travel. I kept the relationships and connections that I wanted and fed me and have mostly let go of those that felt obligatory or difficult. I have since moved to a new city, remarried and have shifted in my career path. If you had asked me 8 years ago what my future would look like, I would have told you a very different story.

The idea of a major life shift in your 50s or later is daunting. Of course, it brings up fear and anxiety for most people. Knowing what is realistic to expect and mindfully charting your course will help you navigate the stormy seas and get you sailing into the future sunset with relative ease.

My e-course, Stagger, Stumble and Stand is chock-full of tips about how to heal your heart after a break up. It comes with hours of entertaining video instruction, pdfs, and meditations. If you are interested in individual coaching, contact me. You don’t need to do this alone.

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Gray Divorce and Future Happiness