How To Get Over Your Ex Not Loving You Anymore
The person you trusted most in the world has broken your heart and betrayed you. You begin to doubt your own history, your ability to see the world as it is, you recognize that you hurt yourself by not seeing reality. Worse yet, your partner moves quickly into a new life without appearing to look back at all. You cry yourself to sleep, tear up at the sight of happy couples, examine every memory that you have looking for what you missed and are asking yourself “why?” You might look at your ex’s new love interest and wonder what they have that you don’t. You may lose your appetite, be unable to sleep and have trouble getting yourself to work. How do you stop ruminating about the past and begin to feel better? How do you get over your ex not loving you?
How To Get Over Your Ex
1. You must work through the pain and grief. People say, “get out and start dating, you’ll forget all about it.” Not true for those who have not yet let go of the last relationship. All this does is distract you for a time, but it doesn’t heal the wound. You must approach this in a mindful way if you want to stop being caught off guard by your feelings. If you find yourself unable to function during the day, give yourself a 15-minute time window in the morning and in the evening to wail, cry, write, cuss, poke they eyes out of your voodoo doll, or whatever you might need to get your grief out. A scheduled rumination time will help you minimize the amount of time you spend in your head watching reruns and imagining future scenes. This applies to anger, as well, as living in an angry space leads to bitterness and hatred and this takes it’s toll on your body. If you are still having trouble letting thoughts go, seek professional help. A good therapist can teach you more tools to help you process and release the grief.
2. Focus on your health and your sleep. These are the basic building blocks for your future happiness. Eat well, limit sugar and alcohol, exercise daily and keep a regular nighttime routine for sleep. You brain is likely chemically unbalanced right now and one of the few ways you can release the stress hormones is with 20 plus minutes daily of sweat producing exercise. It will also improve your sleep. You won’t want to do this, you just must.
Depression, loneliness and poor physical health are common side effects of divorce. Studies show men are twice as likely to suffer from depression after a divorce than their counterparts that remain married. One theory is that men are not as socially diverse in their support systems and are lonelier than divorced women, which leads to the next point.
3. Lean on your support network. Now is the time to ask people to show up for you. Make social plans for long weekends, ask people to text or call to check in, invite a friend to dinner or coffee. Your friends are concerned and are not sure how to support you so you will have to tell them. When they get tired of talking about your divorce (AND THEY WILL!) you may need to lean on a different network like other friends that have been divorced and know what it’s like to be where you are, a divorce support group, a therapist, a pastor or a saint. Just kidding about the last one, but it requires great patience to really support someone who is divorcing in a mindful way and without checking out.
4. Get off social media. Or at least unfollow or unfriend your ex and anyone that may post about them. It’s too easy to fall into the trap of stalking their activities and it only leads to hurt for you. For heck’s sake, don’t post juicy gossip about your soon to be ex on social media. No one wants to see that. It makes you look bitter and vindictive. People that know you will know the truth about your situation. The others don’t deserve it. Handle it with grace and dignity and leave people guessing. You will feel better about yourself in the long run.
“ The brokenhearted are the bravest among us-they dared to love.”
You don’t want to unfriend because you think you can be amicable and friendly in the future? Good for you! But now is a critical time for you to not see things that may make you hurt, jealous or angry. Your job is to love yourself right now and not put yourself in situations that may not feel good. Take a break for awhile and you can be friends in the social media realm in the future. It will make this transition to friends more likely.
5. Try new activities. When you do new things, your brain gets an endorphin rush. It helps you to feel less depressed and anxious. And it keeps you from sitting home alone feeling sorry for yourself. Always wanted to learn to polka dance, knit sweaters for orphaned elephants or try your hand at baking your grandmother’s bread? Now is your time. Take advantage of your single status and do whatever you want without asking for permission. Besides having fun, you may make new friends.
6. Change your narrative. Everyone that has had a broken heart understands how victimized you feel right now. There is likely a lot of awful shit that your ex has done to contribute to your misery. But if you are always the victim, you don’t have to take responsibility for anything that contributed to the demise of the relationship. And if you are always the victim and he is always the villain, you won’t make the changes you need to have a different relationship down the road. If you see yourself as the villain, you may end up taking responsibility for things that actually weren’t your fault and may continue to choose partners that blame you for their behavior. It sets you up for future unhappy endings.
To heal your emotional wounds from this divorce, you must begin to look at the facts, not just your side of the story. You need to make sense of how you ended up where you did by examining your history, your behaviors, your communication skills and your flaws. This is where working with a therapist or a divorce coach is really helpful. Investing a little time and money in this area will pay great dividends for your future.
Need an example?
One narrative might sound like this:
My husband told me after 22 years of marriage that he never loved me. He says he married me because it was the next step in our courtship. When he told me he loved me it was because he was trying to convince himself that he did.
Vs.
I chose to marry my husband because my dad abandoned me as a child and a man wanting me was all I focused on. We started dating too young and I didn’t know myself or what I wanted in a relationship. I didn’t have the communication skills needed to stand up for myself when he behaved badly and I spent our marriage trying to please him and avoid conflict so he wouldn’t leave.
Get it? If you want to heal your heart, you need to look at your part of the equation and learn how to do relationships differently. The divorce rate in the United States for 2nd marriages is 67%. For 3rd marriages it is 74%. Wonder why these statistics happen? People don’t do their work and change their part of the equations.
7. Focus on what you DO have, rather than what you don’t. Are you upset that you must sell your house, you are not invited to couples’ events or that you don’t get to go on those expensive vacations your ex’s company provided annually? The facts are that divorce will change your financial and social picture. Things will be different for awhile and if you focus on what you are missing you will not be grateful for what you have. In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people experience positive emotions, enjoy good experiences, improve health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships. Be grateful for your friends, your peaceful quiet and whatever else you can think of that could be worse. Focus on this daily.
When Will The Pain Of Divorce Go Away?
The pain of a death, though cruel, is understandable. To be abandoned by a lover is to have your heart broken. This stuff is brutal. How long will it take to feel better after a divorce? It all depends. Were you the one to initiate a breakup? How long was the relationship? How many cycles of abuse and lovebombing? Do you have a history of loss or abandonment? Did one of you cheat? Are you and your ex in a drawn out court battle? Are you actively working on this in therapy or with a group coaching class?
When your ex doesn’t love you anymore and you feel abandoned and caught off guard, it may take some time. The good news is that you let yourself love someone deeply enough to get hurt. The hard news is that you must learn to forgive and trust yourself again.
Breakups are the preamble to a new life and the possibility of a relationship with someone you are more compatible with. That’s not a failure, that’s a success. You have learned things about yourself and about love that can change your future. In the beginning, it is heartbreaking but with time and a fair amount of effort you can move onward and upward.
How Do I Get Started?
Reach out for support, even if all you want to do is hide in your pjs. This is where working with a coach or therapist will be helpful. Get yourself into a group coaching class and make some friends that know exactly what you are going through right now and will be willing to be a support network. Nurture and love yourself through this painful breakup and learn what you need to not repeat this pattern.
Dig in now.
My e-course, Stagger, Stumble and Stand is chock-full of tips about how to heal your heart after a break up. It comes with hours of entertaining video instruction, pdfs, meditations, and two group coaching sessions. If you are interested in individual coaching, contact me. You don’t need to do this alone.
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I have a women’s coaching group beginning June 20 with a few spots still available. We will be talking about how to manage the emotional issues related to divorce, understanding your part in what you created together, learning about the gifts of the marriage, adjusting to the financial realities, and about how you can have healthier relationships moving forward. Join us!
