Healing Self Esteem After Divorce

By Holly Severson

Building Self Esteem After Divorce

Maybe you have been there… you believe you have failed at life, you don’t like your body, your clothes and feel that you have little self-expression in your own style. You feel frozen in time with little sense of how to move forward. The dissolution of your marriage may have happened slowly with a gradual loss of your true self and your identity to please your spouse.   Your self-esteem has never been lower.  Reminds me of the song by Winona Judd, “Rockbottom is just a place to turn around.”  Now that you are single, it’s time to get back your mojo. And build a life that excites you to get up to everyday.  How do you do that? Read on, McDuff!

Address Your Thoughts

Start by taking a look at your thinking.  Divorce is not failure; it is a transition.  Let’s say that one more time divorce is not a failure it is a transition! When you chose your spouse, you were at a different place in your life. That was then, this is now. It is time to polish those pearls you’ve learned and earned throughout your life and shine! 

Rewriting the script of our internal dialogue is an important part of self discovery. Awareness of how I talk to myself and calling out that Debbie downer can unlock belief systems which may have held you back. Grieving the losses is necessary and healthy but beware of the victim role and attend to increasing awareness. Am I catastrophizing, using black and white thinking?

Divorce can feed the negative talk. This is why it is vital to remember the  positive parts to the marriage. They deserve acknowledgment and gratitude. 

Missing the comfort of a companion at social events or shared times with other couples can remind you that you are social and that you have those skills and can build again. Your children would not be here today if you had not chosen your spouse.  You have learned hard won lessons about life and love that will impact your future choices.  Give yourself the gift of compassion.  Feel it, accept the hurt, nurture yourself. Then get busy and look for the lesson or gift. 

·       Notice small acts of love and kindness around you and tell yourself that you deserve them.

·       Find a nurturing support group or a therapist. My support group was a lifesaving part of my recovery.  They reached out regularly, reminded me of who I was and held me in warm regard when I was hurting.

·       Take small risks to grow yourself, like reaching out to make new friends, trying a new hobby, or get a new hairstyle.

·       Take notes about the good things people say about you and get them out when you are having hard days and need a boost.

Let Yourself Heal

This is a big phase of rebuilding your life.   Do not distract yourself with dating until you have healed. Take time to examine your wounds and let them breathe.  It’s okay to have days where you miss your ex or your past life but recognize that feeling those things and doing something to show your feelings are two different things.  Texting him because you are lonely might create havoc in the relationship as coparents.  Badmouthing him when you are angry to his friends or family may create drama for your children or rifts in the relationships you have.  Pause, breathe, and allow yourself to heal.

·       Work out regularly.  This helps you feel more in control of your situation and feel better about your body.  The endorphins released with exercise help improve your mood and a side benefit is better sleep.

·       Get support.  Ask for help with your kids, take time for yourself, lean on your friends.  I have never felt more loved than I did during my divorce.  My friends came out of the woodwork.

·       Address your baggage.  What did you bring to the marriage that needs to be owned?  What did you learn that needs to be unpacked?  Delay dating again until you have finished this step.  This will help you feel more empowered and have clarity about your future choices. 

·       Reclaim the parts of your identity that you gave up for your spouse.  In relationship it is easy to give up on your own personal interests or ignore important whisperings about growth to keep peace. 

·       Think of three things you did each day to make yourself proud and write them in a journal.  Revisit this when you are feeling low.

·       Try something new each week that you did not think you could do.  I installed a smart thermostat in my home and was so proud of myself.  It is amazing what you can learn from YouTube.  

·       Do something for someone else in need.  You become grateful for your own situation and feel good about giving back.

The benefits of taking the time to heal your self-esteem are enormous.  You model confidence and healthy decision making for your children.  You create a future for yourself that is in alignment with your true self.  You begin to feel a sense of purpose about your life that allows you to move into gratitude and growth instead of living in angry victimhood.  Best of all, you wake up with excitement to start each day and live it to the fullest.

If you want more guidance, step-by-step tools and support, check out our divorce support e-course here: https://www.graceuntetheredcourses.com/courses/stagger-stumble-and-stand

Enjoyed this blog and want to be on our mailing list? We also have blog posts on dealing with the emotions of divorce. Topics include how to know if it is time to divorce, the healing stages of divorce and how to manage anxiety during divorce.