Looking Forward Through The Rearview Mirror

by Jaynie Henely

A few years back, I was going through one of the most challenging times of my life, struggling with sleep, eating, concentrating, focus. I was weary with grief, from my partner of over 30 years ‘departure and his uncharacteristic cruelty. I heard a voice saying “remember your heritage. You come from women of strength.” Hmmm what?

"Remember the struggles of you mother and grandmother; they still found joy. That is your heritage. You are strong." My Mom lost two eighteen-year old children within two years of each other, my brother in a jeep accident and two years later, my sister to acute myelogenous leukemia. Her mother, my grandmother, raised twelve children on a farm during the depression with a less than ambitious husband. She then became the Postmaster after she scored highly on the civil service exam. She too had lost a child, only four years old to appendicitis. Both of these women survived what I would consider insurmountable grief. How did they do it? How did they possibly endure these losses, continue and find joy?

I found and photocopied pictures of both of them at different ages and put them all over my house, as well as pics of my younger self. I remembered from my EMDR training, that our nervous systems do not discern the difference between reality and fantasy. I envisioned myself standing on their shoulders. I imagined being embraced by them and their resiliency…and hearing the words, “you come from women of strength, you are strong.”

I breathe deeply and just for a moment— release. Ahhh. That brief moment where my body and psyche release. Just a few breaths before fear again eviscerates that moment of peace.

The Buddha so wisely requested of a woman who had experienced profound losses, “yes, I have medicine for this. But first, bring me some mustard seed from a house where no one has died.”

I raise my head and look out for a few moments. I see Madeleine Albright. When her husband of 23 years said “this marriage is dead. I am in love with someone younger and beautiful,” she was shattered. "He said that I had become too old-looking, or that he couldn't see why I was so upset. After all, he said, other people get divorced”. The next months were a unique brand of torture," She writes,” he called me daily describing his feelings in percentages. 'I love you 60 per cent and her 40 per cent.' Or the next day, 'I love her 70 per cent and you 30 percent'. “Alone for the first time, I struggled with making decisions even at the grocery store.”

Seriously, Madeline Albright, the first female secretary of State went thru this? Struggled to make decisions about groceries? Speaks six languages. The revelation that I am not alone, I have simply been enrolled in the collective of betrayal. Yet another sister upon whose shoulders I can stand.  I have a cup of tea and envision sitting with her,  listening to her agony, resiliency and how she moved forward. I strive to soak up her wisdom like the tasty biscotti in my tea. Her picture goes up in various places in my house.  Soon, I have a gallery, of people famous and familial.

Maya Angelou said “I come as one but stand as 10,000.” Imagine the compassion. Bathe, soak, luxuriate in knowing that we are strong, we are beautiful resilient beings. As wounded healers, our light shines brighter.

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