To Listen is to Lean in Softly With a Willingness to be Changed by What we Hear
“To listen is to lean in softly with a willingness to be changed by what we hear.” ~Mark Nepo
How often do we REALLY listen to others? Do you find yourself waiting for a turn to speak, thinking about how you want to respond while the other person is still talking? Do you find yourself steering the conversation, changing topics or avoiding things you don’t want to talk about?
Have you ever talked with someone who wouldn’t let you get a word in edgewise? With someone that talks over the top of you or repeats the same stories that you have already heard? Have you walked away from a conversation feeling frustrated by not being heard and feeling alone?
Really listening to someone leaves the other feeling understood, held with compassion. It helps them to open up their creative process and come to conclusions that they wouldn’t without that supportive space and attention. It changes peoples’ insight, allows their feelings to surface.
I recently listened to a talk by Tara Brach called Listening With an Awake Heart. She suggests that we begin to listen better by preselecting an anchor that will help us be with ourselves while listening. It might be your breath or a physical sensation in your body. When you find your mind wandering, bring yourself back to your anchor.
She then suggests following a process called RAIN. Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and nonIdentify. You recognize your own emotions and thoughts, accept them and allow yourself to have an experience. Begin to investigate your thoughts…Who is this person? Can I hear who they are? What is behind their words? Finally, begin to recognize their needs, learn to hold space for them and have compassion for what they might be experiencing. Can you hear the hurt behind the words? The insecurity?
When you do this, you are able to feel more compassion for where people come from, to see theirstruggles, pain and insecurities. It doesn’t excuse bad behavior on their part, but it might help you take it less personally.
Try an experiment with someone and see if you can learn to be a better listener. If we all learn to do this, the world becomes a place where people are able to find conclusions and compromise, to feel supported and have less fear.
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