The Emotional Stages of Divorce: Understanding and Coping With Changes

This blog outlines the emotional stages of divorce from denial through acceptance. Read on to learn the emotional stages and my own journey of transformation.

As brutal as a divorce can be, my divorce was a journey of transformation. Interestingly, it was much like walking the Camino de Santiago. A pilgrim sets sights on arriving at the end goal, some with life learnings that are invaluable, transformed by pain and hardship, touched by love and kindness. This was the hope and expectation for my marriage. But there are those pilgrimages that are waylaid or end early due to various, sometimes, unforeseen injuries. Fortunately, we are united in our humanity and learn we are not alone as we take the integral steps to continue our own journey.

Camino de Santiago, a day’s walk

“Pilgrims all have the same goal, which is to arrive at our finish point. There are many ways to do this, none more “correct” than another. Some people walk every mile, others ride bicycles or horses. We met people that were taking the bus for segments due to injury or fear of boredom, or to meet a deadline for a flight out of Santiago. The differences between us and others are minimal as we all have the same goal. It doesn’t matter that we are from different countries, what an individual does for work, how old they are or how much money they make. People from all walks of life walk the Camino. We all share space, breathe the same air and have the same concerns.” -Holly, Offthecouch4life: A traveler’s blog

My marital journey wasn’t much different. The partner with whom I thought I would finish the journey switched midway. Relationships may travel similar paths but present different challenges. We meet people along the way that share our perspectives, some that have wildly different beliefs and others who try to arrive at the finish in a mode of alternate lifestyle. When we crash and burn, sometimes after decades with the same person, we are left to pick up our brokenness and try to cobble something meaningful and beautiful out of it. My grief was understandable, but that didn’t make it easier. Feeling sad when a marriage ends is natural, as grief is a healthy emotional response. What’s of vital importance is moving through the emotional stages of divorce and arriving at acceptance so we can rebuild a life that has meaning and value.

What are the emotional stages of divorce?

The emotional stages of divorce shared here are based on Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief for death: denial, shock, bargaining, letting go, and acceptance. They are not linear and not everyone experiences all of them.

The emotional stages of divorce and meant to be a general guideline for this remarkable and unrequested journey. The course is different for the divorce initiator vs the non-initiator. The initiator may pass through these stages long before the divorce is ever discussed and be ready to move onto a new relationship before the ink is dry on the decree. The non-initiator might adapt quickly or may still be struggling with their grief after years. Any range is “normal” in the divorce process.

Stage One: Denial

“It’s all a misunderstanding.”

“We can work this out.”

“My partner is just upset and will change their mind when it blows over.”

“I can’t be divorced, it’s not allowed in my (family, religion, personal ideology).”

During this stage, you might find yourself looking for solutions to problems you have known were present in the marriage for some time. You might spend a lot of time believing if you say or do the right thing, your spouse will return. You likely hate feeling out of control of your own destiny.

How long this stage lasts likely depends on how overt your conversation is with your partner about the problems in the marriage. If you are a master of denial, this could take decades.

Stage Two: Shock/ Sadness

“How could they do this to me?”

“I don’t deserve this.”

This stage usually includes wide emotional swings from panic, to anger, to fear or numbness -a crazy-making time often with sleep disturbances, concentration issues, and increased risk of accidents from lack of decisiveness.

You might dream about redecorating the bedroom in one moment and find yourself in tears at the back of your walk-in-closet the next. Or you might find yourself sobbing while telling the story to an acquaintance at the ticket booth of your kids’ sporting event. These things might or might not have happened to me. It’s a difficult time with many potentially embarrassing social situations.

A common fear is about the future and what it holds: Will I be able to afford to pay my phone bill? Who will spend holidays with me while my kids are at their other parent’s house? Will I ever find someone that will love me and want to build a life?

You might find yourself microscopically examining past conversations, wondering what you missed or what went wrong. Many emotions and questions may feel challenging to move beyond, but remember it is a temporary phase and it will pass.

Stage Three: Bargaining

“If you will stay, I will change x,y,z. I will compromise most anything to make this work.”

“I can tolerate this bad behavior until the kids leave the house.”

Like the Camino pilgrim who has shin splints and can barely move, you are still holding onto the dream that you can make this work. You might be willing to make great sacrifices to your own values, peace, or beliefs just to keep the marriage intact.

Stories abound of people who agree to open relationships, turn their back on a spouse’s cheating or lies, or agree to things that they don’t want just to keep the spouse happy. Others may ignore bad behavior and refuse to talk about their feelings. All of this is temporary, of course. The person that makes too big of a sacrifice will at some point feel they have lost themselves and be resentful. No marriage survives resentment for long. Sometimes the damage is so great that it cannot be repaired, even if you are both good people that have the best intentions.

Stage Four: Letting Go

“There is nothing I can do to change this, so I give up.”

This stage is also sometimes called depression, and many people sit in it for a long time. It is a resignation that you can only control your own thoughts and self and you have to accept that it may be different than what the spouse wants. You might also begin to come to terms with your own decisions that led to the end of the marriage and accept the faults of your spouse—the beginning of peace. It can be a time of great personal growth after self-examination.

Stage Five: Acceptance

“I can see now that this is how things had to go and I am ready to move forward.”

Most likely the obsessive thoughts have stopped and you are feeling more peace. You may begin to dream about your future possibilities that have opened up with your new freedom. Life is positive, you are open to new activities and traditions. The pain is mostly in the past, other than the occasional reminder of the consequences of the divorce that affect your present life. You have likely learned a lot about your resilience and strengths and may feel a sense of hope about what the future holds.

Just over 100 km to go to Santiago-yes, I walked almost 500 miles!

The beauty of arriving at acceptance is that you probably have learned some things about yourself and about what you value in life. This is the chance for you to own your story and to write your own ending. It can be more about dreaming and creating a new life than it has to be about hurting because of the past.

Know that organic movement through and back through these stages is healthy- don’t let it throw you off track. There is no finish line, rather acceptance as grace grows.

Personally, I can cycle back to the letting go stage in the grieving of the loss of some of my relationships with in-laws and can still wake from dreams with a feeling of sadness that is palpable. With other people in the divorce drama, I am at acceptance and even thrilled to have let them go and to have a new status change. I can go along for days without thinking about any of it and then have a thought that plummets me backward into the grief and I am left breathless and teary-eyed.

Six years into the new story, I would have imagined the healing process would be much quicker. The wounds from divorce intertwined with childhood hurts and the tissue are slow to mend. Again, much like the Camino, when I walk with others, accept and give support, my healing becomes more tender and growth feels exponential. Cycling through these stages is appropriate and healthy.

Have compassion with yourself on your journey, with the help of a therapist, a class, or on the shoulders of good friends. The ending of your story is unique to you. What I know from my experience is that trying to walk through these stages alone increased my misery, while conversely processing, crying, and laughing with others on the trail helped. We opened up about how we denied, bargained, or wept together. This blistered and expanded my heart and understanding of this grief process.

Understanding the emotional stages of divorce gave me a sense of movement and knowledge that I was not alone in my grief. I and many people have traveled this same road together and survived and despite some sprains and blisters, ultimately thrived.

You don't have to go through the emotional stages of divorce alone.

However you experience the emotional stages of divorce, you don't need to go through the grieving process alone.

At Grace Untethered, we offer a divorce support e-course for anyone going through the changes that separation brings. We provide the tools you need to walk through divorce with integrity, clarity, and grace. Our community is waiting for you.

Enjoyed this blog and want to be on our mailing list? We also have blog posts on dealing with the emotions of divorce. Topics include how to know if it is time to divorce, the healing stages of divorce and how to manage anxiety during divorce.