How many New Year’s resolutions are made and actually kept beyond January? Almost all of my resolutions are about self-care; more regular exercise, a healthier diet, saying “no” more often to protect my free time. Sure, we all have good intentions to start the year out right and to improve our health and our environment.  Then life gets hard, and we revert to old habits.  Resolutions, like self-care, take discipline.

If this year you don’t feel like doing resolutions, I say “go you!”  We don’t have to always be improving ourselves.  It has been a hard year for a lot of people and just surviving is good enough. If you have been through a breakup this year, please know that you are loveable and perfectly fine just as you are.  But if you, like me, like to push yourself and want to grow a bit, read on.

True self-care is not about indulgence.  It’s not pampering yourself with a day at the spa or giving in to the urge to buy yourself a fancy coffee because you have a long day ahead of you.  Maybe sometimes it IS indulgences, but if that is a habit rather than an occasional treat, it is likely that it is an escape or excuse rather than self-care. 

Self-care is about making the choice to build a life that you don’t need to escape from.

Did you get that?  It means that you need to show up for yourself every day.  You have to learn to do what is best for you and for others whether or not you want to. If you are recently divorced, you may not know what you want or need because you have not paid attention to yourself in recent years.

You may need a cleaning schedule that you force yourself to stick to because it keeps your sanity intact.  You might have limits on screen time because you recognize that binge watching Grey’s Anatomy is an escape from dealing with the stress of your work or home life and that it doesn’t make your life better. Making changes about the things that cause you stress is self-preservation.

I cannot tell you how many of my self-care resolutions have been about exercise.  I am pretty consistent about getting cardio but am always striving to improve my exercise routine and have more variety. I have run three times a week for years and often that happens in the early morning before it’s even light out.  Because, you know, I have to fit it in to a busy day.

But, here’s the thing, you have to know when your body is really needing a rest and sleep instead of exercise and when it is just an excuse to do what is more comfortable.  In past years I have not been so good about resting when I need it.  I assume I don’t want to get up because it is warmer in bed. But my body needs a more compassionate response as it ages. It’s difficult to figure out what’s the right course of action. Self-care is hard work. It’s a balance between self-care and self-discipline.

Wonder what some other self-care activities might look like?

Here are some basic self-care needs:

Sleep. This is the most basic need for health.  You must get adequate sleep for your body to repair itself, for your brain to rest, for your hormones to regulate. For most adults, this is 7 hours or more of quality sleep without interruption.  Pay attention to the things that get in the way of your sleep. If you are still struggling with your sleep, see a professional.

Exercise. If this could be bottled up and sold as a drug it would be a multi-million-dollar industry.  It is THAT effective for health, mental health and emotional wellbeing. Thirty minutes a day minimum is all it takes.  Oh, and it improves your sleep. 

This is one of those things that can quickly move from the self-care to the self-harm column.  Like I said above, you have to learn to listen to your body if you want to see results.  For some, that means you have to do it even if you would rather sit on the couch.  For me, this meant giving myself a break when my body needs rest.

Healthy food and hydration.  Note, I am not promoting McDonald’s or Starbucks.  This is about quality food and drinks without a lot of preservatives, added sugar or caffeine. Our brains and bodies need nutrients to function. My kids will tell you the first question I ask when they are not feeling well is “have you had enough water?”  It drives them nuts.  But, it is a basic need for our bodies.  With water we eliminate toxins, protect our spinal cords and organs, lubricate and cushion our joints, and regulate our temperature. The crap we eat at fast food restaurants should be a crime.  If you are setting resolutions around diet for this coming year, I encourage you to be realistic.  Consider clean eating on weekdays and allowing yourself some indulgences on weekends.  Or some other structure that keeps you accountable but also able to have a life with some pleasure in it.

Boundaries. This was the first thing I worked on when I went through my divorce.  I figured out that too much of my own self-worth was wrapped up in my care for others and that I had lost touch with what made ME happy. We have to learn to say no, to avoid codependence and to be responsible for our own emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.  Many of us are not taught how to do effective boundary setting.  If you need help with this, reach out to a therapist, coach or get a book like Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I cover boundaries extensively in my Stagger, Stumble and Stand e-course. A client recently told me that the best thing I taught her was how to set boundaries in her life.  She’s almost 60 and had no idea that she didn’t have them.

Community. We all need other people, even if we are introverts.  This is more apparent after this past two years of social isolation with Covid where people are depressed, anxious and unhealthy.  Social time feels good, especially when we spend it with people that see us for who we are, offer encouragement and support and give more than they take.  Being able to ask for help is an important self-care skill, as is communicating in a kind and honest way.  Build a community that fills your soul up and make time for those relationships.  They are vital to happiness.

Financial Independence.  If you have struggled with overspending, maybe as an escape from life problems or a self-indulgence that leaves you strapped at the end of the month, I encourage you to look at your self-discipline and get this under control.  The cycle of stress, worry and shame you likely feel is unhealthy for you. Living within our means is very rewarding for our self esteem.

Quality education and entertainment. Sitting on the couch night after night and binge-watching television is not the same thing as self-care.  Occasionally this may be needed for an escape.  But our brains also need to be entertained, fed and inspired by our environments.  I find many of my thoughts influenced by the podcasts I listen to or the books I read. You might also enjoy informative documentaries, lectures, visits to art museums, live performances, poetry, sermons and walks in nature with silence.  Your brain needs beauty, inspiration and information.  Make sure it is good quality.  If you have podcasts, books or shows you love and want to share them, send me an email.  I’m always looking for new material.

Self-care is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation (the word nerd in me loved how many hyphenated words were in this sentence!). Self-care is hard work and requires discipline.  It requires looking at our patterns of behavior and having some honest self-talk about why we do what we do.  Take stock of what makes you happy and what causes you stress. And make changes and follow through with them whether you feel like it or not.

I don’t know about you, but this has been a hard year for me.  Despite having some wonderful personal life events, I’ve also had my share of struggles, isolation fatigue and personal losses. I’m ready for 2021 to be in the rear view mirror where I can be grateful for the lessons while I look forward to what is in front of me.  I intend to focus on self-care, specifically listening more to my body rather than my brain. Maybe sleeping in rather than running on some days. What about you?

If you are struggling with sleep, anxiety, coping with a breakup, our divorce support e-course has many tips and tools for helping with this healing journey.  Created by therapists with decades of experience working with divorce and grief.  More importantly, we’ve been through this painful experience. Getting support and guidance from people that know what you are dealing with is a vital part of your recovery process.

Enjoyed this blog and want to be on our mailing list? We also have blog posts on dealing with the emotions of divorce. Topics include how to know if it is time to divorce, the healing stages of divorce and how to manage anxiety during divorce.

If you are a midlife woman interested in a free support group, check out Thrive Beyond Divorce.