“Rocked to the core”- that's the phrase which comes to mind when describing my divorce. What I thought I had and how the future was going to look was blown to hell and replaced by sadness, a sadness of depths which I had never known. What I COULD NOT believe at the time, but it really came true, is that living a happy life after divorce is within reach.

In the midst of my darkness and fog, I planned an escape route to Costa Rica. It was the result of a longing to escape my reality, to test my independence and to open myself to new experiences.  I knew no one there, had never traveled alone internationally and the women’s retreat seemed like a safe place to spread my wings.  I booked my trip and packed my bag while filled with anticipation and, yes, a bit of fear.

Life After Divorce: Unpack Your Baggage

The implosion of my 30+ year relationship over the previous few months created craters in my self-confidence.  I questioned everything I ever knew, and as a marital therapist who works with relationship skills daily, even my professional identity was suddenly adrift.  I needed to take the space to do some deep self-reflection, sit with my pain and begin to heal my heart.  Being a transplant in another country made sense to me.

Like travel, life after divorce takes a willingness to sit in discomfort.  Many comforts taken for granted for years become jeopardized and life without the familiar quickly frightening.  Daily routines change. Control over getting from here to there seems beyond your capacity and holding on for dear life is all you can do. 

When I unpacked my bag, like so many others I found fear. Self doubt and daddy issues were busting the seams of my being.  Unpacking is an important step, one that people often skip, that if unheeded will end you up in another relationship repeating the same patterns that you had in your marriage. Hmmm, basically if I don’t take time to research and deploy an itinerary, I’ll end up in the same place.

Carrying that much baggage was going to disable my future. To keep my eye on the prize of new life, I launched into working with a therapist to heal my issues, attended a women’s support group to learn how to have healthier deep emotional connections, read everything I could get my hands on, journaled until my fingers cramped, and leaned on my friends and family when it felt like I couldn’t climb out of the hole alone. I was determined to keep moving forward.

Life After Divorce: Prepare What You Can

Part of having a successful journey is doing what you can to prepare for what you anticipate.  Build a team, get some travel guides to create your new map and itinerary. In divorce, this involves developing a support system that can guide you through the process.  My brain was not thinking clearly for the first year.  My grief had me distracted and examining the past more than I was living in the present.  My sleep was disrupted by anger and my ability to function at work was greatly challenged.  At a time in life when making decisions for your future is a necessity, having your brain checked out is not ideal.  Find a lawyer or mediator you trust, get a therapist or divorce coach, a financial advisor, and build yourself a support system that will give you a hand up. Take a divorce support class, join a meetup group, or use a template to help you build a team.  When help is needed, reach out.  This is not a time for pride to get in the way of practicality.

Life After Divorce: Press On

Anxiety almost derailed my Costa Rica trip.  I didn’t know it at the time, but along with my swimsuit, I had packed anxiety, fear and doubt. What if the guide I hired to take me sightseeing on the way to the retreat didn’t show up at the airport?  What if my limited Spanish failed me and I couldn’t communicate what I needed?  What if I disliked the people in my retreat and I spent the week waiting for it to be over rather than enjoying myself? Magically, (I guess putting one fearful foot in front of the other doesn’t require magic-just determination) it all worked out.  The guide’s English was impeccable, and I made connections I still have contact with six years later.   When bleary-eyed and unsure of the destination’s end, press on.  You’ll get there. Feeling anxious, depressed, or overwhelmed is all normal. Going through a divorce is a journey that is time limited, and the experience will help you find reserves of strength you never knew existed.

Life After Divorce: Have a Sense of Adventure

You may not have asked for this journey but having a sense of adventure will help you find your way. People lose their own identities while married and divorcing.  For me, travel was my passion ignored for a long period of time while married and raising my family. It was a logical step for me to escape to find myself.  If travel isn’t your thing, think about how you can have adventure from your hometown.  Make a list of your likes and dislikes and get to know yourself. You might be surprised at how likeable you are! Explore new hobbies, sign up for activities you previously were curious about but never explored, stretch out of your comfort zone. These will help you move forward.  Consider where you want to live and how you want your life to look.  Even if you have children at home, being single gives you opportunities to design a life that will make you happy.

Life After Divorce: Embrace New Habits and Roles

Never filed your own taxes, or your spouse did the cooking?.  Take on these roles and see them as an opportunity to grow rather than a source of stress.  Life will not be like it was while married (can I get a hallelujah!), and your future can be even more rewarding.  You get to design your life any way you want and along the way newly discovered confidence may help you make new friends and begin to find happiness. 

My life today is vastly different than before my divorce.  I have moved to a new city, traveled the world, built a new business venture and am engaged to a wonderful man that feels like home.  My previous life feels like a distant past, with some of the cast of characters wandering through the present and others fading into the background.  In my new life the constant is me, the new and more than ever, comfortable, me.  The one with self-confidence, the one finding happiness, the one living a happy life after divorce.

Enjoyed this blog and want to be on our mailing list? We also have blog posts on dealing with the emotions of divorce. Topics include how to know if it is time to divorce, the healing stages of divorce and how to manage anxiety during divorce.
Want more tips about how to move forward from your divorce? Check out our divorce support e-course!