by Holly Severson

If your marriage was rocky prior to COVID-19 you are likely struggling to survive the conflict, with loneliness that comes from living with someone you do not connect with, while worrying that this will never end.  This generation has never had a situation this global and yet this restrictive.  Spending 24hours a day together is stressful for a healthy relationship, but if you add job insecurity, health worries, caretaking when someone is ill, and little change of scenery for activities or other influences, it can be the death of a marriage.

When we are stressed and unhappy, our brains are not operating at their best.  The cortisol levels climb, sleep may be impacted, and many of the tools usually used for coping are not accessible.  It can lead to tense interactions and poor behavior.  Whether you knew it prior or have figured out in the past few weeks that your priorities have changed and that you want to end your domestic partnership, living together while in isolation is a challenge.  The biggest factor in your success will be boundaries.

Establish Boundaries

Boundaries are the ways you establish personal space with others.  Creating boundaries helps people know what to expect from one another and can greatly reduce tension or painful interactions. They can be the difference between getting what you need and an all-out war that lasts for weeks.

Physical boundaries include things such as establishing house rules around dealing with personal privacy, cleaning up after yourself in shared spaces, or giving someone uninterrupted time to watch their favorite tv show.  Establishing physical space is essential when confined to a small space for an extended time. 

Emotional boundaries are a bit like a membrane on a piece of fruit.  They keep you from leaking out into the world around you and can also keep the world from getting inside.  They include things like expressing yourself in a calm and respectful way rather than blowing up when your find an unexpected charge on your credit card statement, or giving someone a little extra grace for being irritable when you know they have lost their job and are worried about finances. Or maybe asking someone to speak to you when they are calm instead of yelling.

Establishing boundaries might take some practice if it is not already happening in your world.  It can be especially challenging if our partners are lashing out.   Most of us don’t learn these skills in our childhood.  Here are some ideas for getting started:

Create house rules

Have a discussion with your partner and identify challenges for each of you in the past few weeks of sharing space.  For clues, think about times you felt irritated by something or had an uncomfortable verbal exchange. For example, if you have cleaned up the kitchen every day for the past week and grumbled to yourself about it, you might need to talk.  If your partner disappears into the den and doesn’t emerge to participate in the family except for mealtimes, you likely have a problem that needs to be discussed. Ideally these conversations would happen at a neutral time, not when you are upset.  When we are upset, we are unable to adequately access our prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain that is used to make decisions and effectively communicate with others, and instead of a conversation it is likely to hurt feelings or be ineffective.  Take a break, walk away and let your heart rate return to normal before you address the issue.

Ask for what you need

Be direct and upfront and ask for what you want rather than hint around about it or expect someone to know without a discussion. “I would really appreciate you taking the kids for a walk when I have my online meeting today.  It will help me feel less distracted.”

Apologize when you mess up

Face it, we all have bad days and screw up.  When you recognize that you have hurt feelings or crossed a boundary, go to them and admit your mistake and tell them that you will do your best to not repeat it. A good apology might sound something like: “I’m really sorry that I forgot to pick up your prescription when I went to the store today.  I know it creates an extra trip for you on a busy day.  I’ll make myself a list next time.”

Express gratitude

When your partner does something that you have asked for, express your appreciation.  Don’t just say “thanks” but tell them how it benefits you. “Thanks for making dinner.  With my schedule today it was one less thing to worry about.”  Expressing gratitude increases the likelihood of repeated behavior. Research also suggests that increased gratitude makes us healthier and happier.  

Healthy boundaries make healthier relationships. Learning how to set boundaries and enforce them is a skill that takes practice. If you want to emerge from this social isolation period with a better chance at a cooperative divorce, it would benefit you to be your best self and behave in a way that communicates respect to your partner. It’s a win/win.  After all, boundaries will improve the chances of other successful relationships in your future.

Want more help with setting boundaries? Check out our e-course here:

https://www.graceuntetheredcourses.com/courses/stagger-stumble-and-stand

Enjoyed this blog and want to be on our mailing list? We also have blog posts on dealing with the emotions of divorce. Topics include how to know if it is time to divorce, the healing stages of divorce and how to manage anxiety during divorce.