Like divorce isn’t hard enough, let’s throw in a pandemic? Seriously? My nervous system is already fried, thank you very much. My divorced self-esteem is circling the drain and still, my ex is pulling out all of their traditional “greatest hits” of bad behavior. The anxiety feels relentless.

Anxiety and divorce, dating after divorce, covid and divorce? Somebody show me where the rip cord is so I can parachute out of this panic attack-Sh*t show! I want to be like Kramer in the Seinfeld Master of the Universe episode, where he relinquishes his $100 bucks announcing he’s out 10 minutes into the game. But guess what? 

Even if your partner has pulled that cord to end the marriage quickly, surviving the divorce process takes time and for the sake of many, emotional maturity. Luxuries that I didn’t think I had.

Keeping my ‘eye on the prize’ of emotional maturity when divorcing was vital to my sanity. The loss of a life partner was beyond hard and without emotional integrity I knew I would lose myself. The obstacles were substantial.

Besides the grief, the immense challenges of money and relationships, another layer of angst is hearing BS about “how you’re going to be a stronger person” or “now you can find that someone special.” Dear God, how does one’s mental health stomach that crap, let alone, take the higher path and remain mature. Again, asking way too much of my nervous system.  Why do I mention emotional maturity? Because after a long term marriage you are bound to carry a multitude of emotions. Children generally can only carry one at at time and guess what? That is the story for many traumatized, divorcing, adult brains.  I either hate my ex, or want them back, I’m super sad it is over OR I am thrilled about new possibilities. Or hey how about this one? I’ll beat myself up-that is a tried and true distraction from feeling all the feelings.

Exercise, therapy, talking with friends and family, getting out in nature and allowing myself to grieve, were essential tools. Even and especially, when I didn’t feel like it.

You see, divorcing activates our nervous system’s fight or flight response and with or without intent we begin processing like children, or worse yet like teenagers on a terror.

Emotional maturity, the ability to integrate the multitude of emotions-that is the goal. If I can feel and hold my sadness, love, disappointment, fear and hope simultaneously I have a far better chance of not causing further harm to myself, my ex, and our families. It is a tall request of our primal systems but sooo worth the effort. I promise there will be far fewer bruises.

 Relationships are fundamentally unsafe. Ugh, how do I hate that truth. What we know -when we love deeply, we worry about those we love, we make life plans etc and then wham! A pandemic, an affair, past baggage,and or impulsivity topples stability and that wall of Babel comes tumbling down.

Every fiber of our beings wants to run and hide, wants to attack or numb out with you name it-a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, a bottle of wine or a Nordstrom extravaganza?? The brain’s constant questioning of who, what, when and how conflates the turmoil. The ego relentlessly searches for certainty in a very uncertain and precarious environment. Just look back to the panicked and mad dash for toilet paper awhile back. Again seriously? We’re looking at a worldwide pandemic and toilet paper is our biggest concern? Solid proof of how our primal brains take us to poor thinking when we are divorcing and panicked.  Searching for toilet paper in a medical crisis, keying your ex-partner’s car, trying to find love in a bar or exaggerating behaviors to their friends or family makes perfect sense to a childlike or traumatized brain.

Breathe, breathe now one more time, breathe again. 

Just as we do with children, imagine blowing up that large balloon and then a slow release of the breath. (Trust me there is big science behind this exercise for anxiety.) If you are going through a divorce, never more than now, has the phrase, “you can only control your own behavior “ made more sense. It is so challenging because so often when divorcing we question our sense of self. We stop trusting ourselves and our judgement, much like a child or a teenager asking what should I wear? What class should I take? I don’t know if I have any friends? What if I don’t get invited?

 If you’ve divorced, you’ve asked yourself those questions (don’t even try to deny it.)

Just like a kid, we don’t like it when we can’t get what we want. Even if we want the divorce we don’t  want it to be messy and we don’t like to cry.

If I have learned anything with divorce it is these three things:

1. Tears are healthy and they represent what is important to us.

2. One cannot rush the messy middle.

3. Shedding, preferably with compassion, is a healthy part of life.

I was flummoxed as how to hold these truths, but uncertainty is the only certainty when going through a life transition. The challenge is can I enter a transition without knowing where it is going? Can I surrender to the process with love, compassion and grace to all who are involved.

After divorcing, gradually, I am learning to trust what I do, feel and see. Regardless of the outcome, I can accept that to love is to know pain and happiness.

I don’t have to distract myself from the grief, because along with it, there is joy.  I can hold these emotions simultaneously.

I can begin to trust my judgement when it comes to dating or my toilet paper supply! And it takes patience and practice. (I have to say, I did not learn that lesson without some cuts and bruises, nothing I am proud of for sure.) I needed a team of support to help me with my anxiety. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t think my way out of this one my own. So friends, family, a good therapist and courses helped me gain perspective and increase my coping tools.

I learned that accepting uncertainty creates possibility and freedom. As an adult I knew this, but fear is a mighty opponent to my adult rational brain. That is why I was so adamant that Holly and I create a course, Stagger, Stumble & Stand which serves folks going through divorce. It is so vital for us to know we are not alone in this process, that we can learn from others as we walk through the multifaceted challenges of divorce. Consider looking at enrolling in Stagger, Stumble & Stand or other courses to learn better coping strategies.

As I remember times in my life, when I wanted that apartment, job, class, and/or relationship and was heart-broken when it didn’t play out, I can now see that things played out for the best. And often, when I look back. I wonder, what the heck was I thinking? Clearly my ego was driving that bus.

Talk to most people 10 years post divorce and the most popular song sung is “you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might get what you need.” Thanks, Mick.

If you want more concrete tools for how to reduce the anxiety and fear, download our free pdf “Tips for Calming Your Nervous System and Addressing Fear” here.

Want more tools to deal with anxiety and depression? Our divorce support e-course has many tips and tools for helping with this healing journey.  Created by therapists with decades of experience working with divorce and grief.  More importantly, we’ve been through this painful experience. Getting support and guidance from people that know what you are dealing with is a vital part of your recovery process.

Enjoyed this blog and want to be on our mailing list? We also have blog posts on dealing with the emotions of divorce. Topics include how to know if it is time to divorce, the healing stages of divorce and how to divorce a toxic person.