I thought I was a “goner”. Last night a windstorm came through while tucked in bed in my second story bedroom. Hearing the branches crack, I swear I could feel my house sway a little. But it was late so I just put my pillow over my head and went back to sleep. In the morning it dawned on me, (pun intended) Wait, is that like how my marriage was? Did I just keep covering my head with the pillow, ignoring wacky behaviors and signs? If that is so, how am I ever to trust myself dating now?

As I walked in the morning seeing the array of branches and debris scattered about, some of the beautiful boughs and others, just scattered twigs, I thought yep, that’s what my dating inbox looks like. Some boughs and branches were pretty and shiny, but still needed to go, others-not EVEN gonna pick those ups. Will I find someone new, a partner, a friend? 

Dating after divorce after 30, 40, 50, 60?, have mercy.  I’ve gleaned a few pearls along the way...

Tip #1 Keep your sense of humor

At first I was so serious about online dating, so many branches, so much fear: my kids and friends warning me of the sociopaths, If I lean too far in those jeans will my fat roll show up?  Just be myself?, sounds good, but after being married for over 20 years, who am I?  Ugh, tempted to roll that pillow over my head again. Who am I? An insecure, awesome work in progress AND chances are most people on any given site, on any given day are too.  So I laugh at the number of fish, motorcycles and cars I see in mens’ dating photos. We truly are like every other species with our various courtship rituals. The male has to show his (feathers, cars, fish, motorcycles) to show his prowess. And the female retreats or signals a green light by wiggling her feathers.  Seriously wiggle these sagging feathers? Like I said, keep your sense of humor. 

Tip #2  Let go of the romanticizing, at least at first 

Remember the initial phases of dating at 15, 17, 25 and 30? It wasn’t that great then either. Wondering if and when and how and who?  All of this is totally normal. I found myself thinking ‘this is really hard’. Like it wasn’t then? I love romance but that happens after the footwork. Get real. As my brother so delicately puts it. “It's a numbers game Jayne, ya just gotta get and stay in the game. Check it as often as you brush your teeth and don’t get emotionally tied in until you’ve got a solid prospect.”  Then enjoy the romance, fall in love. But, romanticize the process of getting back into dating and you’re a goner before you get your groove.

Tip #3 That said, know it is OK to sit on the bench, take a break and watch for a bit

That doesn’t mean you’ll be single forever or that you're throwing in the towel. It simply means you're taking a break and maybe a breath- for grieving, for your work schedule, or maybe to grow different parts of you that have been lying dormant, waiting to blossom. Sometimes that pause to grow is essential for the dating process just to sharpen your pruners, to clear away branches so the sun can shine through to help with perspective.  Take time to notice your perspective and thinking-if you don’t, you are likely to repeat unhealthy patterns of your divorced relationship. T’was Einstein who said “We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”  Consider therapy and/or a class. Most of us need help seeing the forest through the trees when we are under such stress.  Pausing and noticing your lens at various times during the dating process is worth the effort.

Because when sunshine lights up that blue sky, there are still plenty of healthy, beautiful branches budding, especially with the older trees!  So go for it! Register for a class, reach out to friends and a therapist. Practice conversation. Practice setting boundaries. Get silly, get sassy and allow yourself to ease into some vulnerability. Because when it is good, it is so fun! 

Want help looking at your perspective around dating and living your best life after divorce? Interested in learning about boundaries and assertiveness??  Check out Grace Untethered’s Stagger, Stumble and Stand course at https://www.graceuntetheredcourses.com/courses/stagger-stumble-and-stand.

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