If you are divorcing a narcissist, expect the fight of your life. You have already discovered this personality is not averse to playing dirty. They are in it to win it. They don’t think like you do, are interested only in guarding themselves and their image with little consideration for what’s fair or kind.  You need to protect yourself from a narcissist in divorce.

It’s a trend to call anyone that is selfish a narcissist.  Narcissism exists on a scale, and we all have some degree of it.  Narcissistic traits and behaviors are different than a clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which includes grandiosity, seeking excessive admiration and a lack of empathy.  These people externally operate with an air of right and control, a sense of superiority and condescension, and are dismissive of others.  Internally they are often plagued by low self-esteem and inadequacy.  They frequently have unhealthy relationships due to their inability to tolerate feedback and show little regard for others’ feelings.  Sounds like fun, right?  Wait a moment while I poke a sharp stick in my eye.

The rest of this blog will address dealing with a person with narcissistic traits (or high conflict individuals), as neither of us can diagnose your ex.  The range of narcissism will be different with each individual.

Anyone going through a divorce probably feels a lot of pressure to have an amicable divorce.  It’s all the rage to say things like “conscious uncoupling” and to want to save money on your divorce by using a mediator. This is a great goal for the average couple. It stands to reason that you once loved one another, that you have a lot of positive memories to go along with what you currently are experiencing. This is the best outcome for your children. If this is your situation, consider yourself lucky to have a garden variety divorce.

But if you are divorcing a person with a lot of narcissistic traits (about 10% of the population is considered to be high conflict personalities), you will need to let go of the dream of having an amicable divorce or a friendly relationship.  There is no reason for a narcissist to be friendly or fair when you no longer serve their purpose.  No matter what sacrifices you have made in the relationship or how many years together, you can expect them to dismiss those as if they have never occurred. This toxic individual will want control of the relationship and will use a smear campaign, legal maneuvering, badmouth you to the kids, withholding money or any other tactic that gives them the upper hand.  Remember, they don’t care if you are suffering.  In fact, they will feed off it.  Let go of that vision of sharing family vacations with your kids, laughing with one another on the phone about family drama and working amicably to share in special occasions.  It’s a pipe dream.

Here are some common narcissistic traits to look for:

·       They talk about themselves, almost exclusively

·       They are always the victim, never take responsibility and NEVER apologize unless it benefits their agenda

·       They constantly remind others that they are special

·       They feel threatened by you

·       Any confrontation will lead to a range of bad behaviors including name calling, hurtful slurs, silent treatment for hours or days, or possible physical violence

·       They have all or nothing thinking.  You will not convince them otherwise.

·       Emotions are often exaggerated-fear, sadness, anger

Here’s the hard part for most anyone that has been married to a narcissist: you need to accept that they will never be different. Begin to look at this a chess game.  The game started for the narcissist the first time you met. The sweeping you off your feet, charming your social support system and then the hot and cold behavior that is so confusing is all part of the master plan. 

You might have stuck around for years, maybe even decades because you believed that one day, they would understand what you have been trying to tell them.  You may have seen their loveable side, had empathy for the child that was cruelly parented or maybe were so charmed by them that you can’t believe that who they are now is the real deal.  You may have stayed for so long because they convinced you that YOU were the problem, and you began to doubt your own conclusions and reality.  This is all part of the sick mind games that go along with a toxic relationship. What’s worse than being married to a narcissist? Divorcing one.

So, what do you do if you are mid-divorce with a person with a lot of narcissistic traits? 

5 Tips to Protect Yourself from a Narcissist:

1. Hire an attorney with experience in dealing with high conflict divorces.  Narcissistic people will not negotiate, and you can expect a long and expensive process. It is important to have a team of legal professionals that understand how to communicate with this personality and knows that the judge will also need to be no nonsense.  You can expect your ex-partner to mess with what he/she thinks will bother you.  Someone recently shared with me that their soon to be ex locked them off the internet that they need to run their business.  You can expect them to hide money, read your personal emails, monitor your phone calls, lie to your face and to the court, deny events that happened, and basically wear you out until you are willing to let them win.

2.  Practice good self-care. Flesh out the rest of your team for your own support and future happiness.  Get a therapist or coach that knows how to advise you in dealing with a toxic personality.  You must stay strong during the process and some amount of your support network will be charmed and fooled by your ex.  Part of a narcissist’s game is to isolate you from your social support, and they can often be the most charming and charismatic person in the room.  Many of your support people may not believe that this could be the same person that is emotionally abusive.  These people may become the “flying monkeys” of the narcissist, doing the abuse by proxy.  These friends and family of the victim are often used to spy on them or spread gossip while painting the narcissist as a victim and their target as the perpetrator. They are groomed from the beginning of a relationship and tested to see if they are controllable.  In the end, these people will often defend the narcissist and do not see what has been happening behind the scenes.

In addition to dealing with the crazy separation cycle of abuse, you will need to begin to do the hard work of figuring out why you are attracting this personality and make some changes, or you will find yourself in another similar relationship faster than Vanilla Ice’s music career.  Working with a therapist or coach that is knowledgeable is key.  Let me be clear, none of the abuse is your fault.  But the fact that you continue to tolerate it needs to be changed.

3.  Develop a drama free style, like BIFF communication--brief, informative, friendly, and firm.  This acronym, from the High Conflict Institute, is a simple system for communicating in a strategic way.  Another option is no response at all, or just “yes” or “no”.  When you are being attacked, little to no response takes away the power of a manipulator.  Do not defend yourself, explain, insult back or threaten to take away the kids or money.  It will backfire.  A person with narcissistic traits feeds off knowing they are upsetting you and will not be convinced that they are incorrect.  About anything.  You will not be able to be flexible in any terms of the divorce, especially regarding finances or children’s visitation.  These will be points of control for the narcissist and will cause you endless grief. 

Get everything nailed down specifically in writing, do not vary from the plan, or allow the other parent to make changes. Narcissists don’t do anything that is not for their own benefit. You may also want to investigate using an app for all your communication as it can be turned into your legal team.  Another possibility is to keep the communication in email format and create a blind folder that any emails from this person goes to.  Don’t look at it just before going to bed or any other time that you don’t feel you have the emotional capacity to deal with manipulation.  Lastly, document every interaction and note any time you are denied access to kids, the dates of agreements and any issue with pick up or drop off.  This will be helpful if (more likely when) you need to go back to court.  I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to keep the communication in writing.  A narcissist will agree to something verbally and then tell you the conversation never happened.  I know of one woman divorced for 8 years that has spent almost $50k in custody fighting in court and one of those battles was during a time she was unemployed, paying for college and taking care of her mother who was dying. These individuals are heartless.

4.  Another communication tactic that can be helpful is to manipulate the manipulator. This is your possible chess move. Remember what I said earlier about low self-esteem?  This personality needs to have their ego fed to feel good about themselves.  You can use this to get what you want. Does that feel smarmy?  Well, it might be in any other situation.  If you want to make progress with your agenda, it will be helpful.  Need an example?  Let’s say you must work late and need your ex to pick the kids up from daycare.  A simple request of a favor is not likely to work.  However, something like this might: “You have been saying how much you want extra time with the kids, and I know how busy your schedule has been, I was wondering if you might enjoy picking the kids up from daycare and taking them to your favorite dinner spot tonight?  I think extra time with them would make them feel so special.  What do you say?”  It’s just enough stroking of the ego, making them feel powerful that they will be more likely to cooperate.  If they think it benefits them or the perception that others have of them, they are much more likely to cooperate.

5.  Be prepared to ignore hoovering.  There are phases to a narcissistic relationship.  First, they love bomb you by showering you with compliments, gifts, and attention to get you firmly attached to them. Then they will devalue you with criticism, gas-lighting and passive aggressive jokes meant to test your boundaries.  Next comes discard where the relationship is ended by the narcissist and there is likely to be another partner already waiting in the wings. Last comes the hoovering.  This is when the narcissist will use manipulation tactics to stay close to the victim to stay in control.  They will reach out randomly, insincerely apologize, desperately need help or anything else they think may get you to begin talking with them again. This usually occurs when their current source of narcissistic supply has disappeared. Don’t fall for this!  It will start the whole cycle over again. Once they discover you are not interested in being part of their toxic world, they are more likely to focus elsewhere.

Working with a therapist, reading everything you can about this disorder and learning what you can about your own family of origin and what has set you up to be victimized is in your best interest.  Move on, resist any desire for contact and hope that they will focus on someone else.  While they are distracted with that, get a move on with your legal game and try to get things finalized. 

High conflict relationships and narcissism are a hot topic all over the media right now.  There is a wealth of information available on YouTube, social media and many books written about the subject. Educate yourself.  This blog has barely scratched the surface of what you will need to know.

Divorcing a narcissist is no picnic. It will require good self-care, a lot of emotional support and really, really healthy boundaries.  Oh, and a big dose of determination to outlast and outwit your opponent.  I’m rooting for you!

Wonder where you might begin? Our divorce support e-course has many tips and tools for helping with this healing journey.  Created by therapists with decades of experience working with divorce and grief.  More importantly, we’ve been through this painful experience. Getting support and guidance from people that know what you are dealing with is a vital part of your recovery process.

Enjoyed this blog and want to be on our mailing list? We also have blog posts on dealing with the emotions of divorce. Topics include how to know if it is time to divorce, the healing stages of divorce and how to manage anxiety during divorce.

Here are some additional resources:

How to write a BIFF response

How to respond to angry texts and emails

Splitting by Bill Eddy

If you are a midlife woman interested in a free support group, check out Thrive Beyond Divorce.